A Kingdom of Regrets
by TheDoctorCafferyGirl
Summary: One Shot! Gwen and the knights stumble upon letters written by Arthur to Merlin. Together they try and come to terms with the past and slowly begin to let go. Dedicated to a friend who faced a nightmare head on and came out all the stronger for it.


**A/N: This one shot is dedicated to a very special, young friend of mine. A ten year old boy who lost his mother to cancer not two weeks ago. Despite being told he did not have to, he decided to give a eulogy at his mothers funeral. Gawain's final words in this fic were inspired by the speech he gave.**

* * *

Queen Guinevere moved through the room as though in some sort of trance. He was gone, there was only one place she could seek comfort now. This is how she found herself in the musty quarters above the physician's chambers. She sat on the lumpy mattress before curling onto her side and sobbing. She sobbed so hard she thought she might just come undone. The tremors that wracked her entire being were so violent she feared shed break in two. Something slid from under the pillow she rested her weary head on, stabbing her in the cheek. Gwen slowly sat up and lifted the pillow up to reveal a stack of letters from underneath. From them she recognized her husband's own hand writing. Slowly she undone the string the bound them. As she read her tremors subsided. She could almost hear Arthur's voice through the words. Could see him hunched up over the desk pouring his everything into them.

* * *

_Merlin,_

_You idiot. I never meant what I said. I was angry. You were never supposed to leave me. Get your backside back here._

_- Arthur_

* * *

"My Queen, are you here?" Leon's voice called from the bottom of the stairs.

"Of course she's up there you idiot. That doors been closed nigh on three years. Come!" Gawain's voice drifted up to her before his and the others footsteps could be heard, heavy on the stairs. When he moved into the room he stopped in front of her in shock to see his Queen so undone, even under the circumstances. She looked worse than he'd ever seen her, even when he'd delivered her the news.

"Gawain," The Queen choked out the word. "He thought he was going to come back, he wrote to him." She finally managed to get out. Gawain stared at her for a moment before sitting heavily onto the dust coated floor. He gestured for the letters and took one moment surveying around the room at Gwen, at Leon, Percival and Elyan. Despite taking a deep breath Gawain was unsure whether he could read these aloud. Living it once had nearly been enough to kill him, it'd driven him so far into a mug of mead that he'd almost lost his way back to the surface. Eventually, sensing the other man's tension, Percival stepped forward and took the letters and begun to read in his unwavering voice.

* * *

_Merlin,_

_It's been two months. This has gone on long enough! I'm ordering you, as your **King**, come back to Camelot. Come back to me._

_- Arthur_

* * *

Percival swallowed hard and gazed at the others in the room. Elyan had moved to the Queens side to comfort his sister while staring blankly off into the wall. Leon had simply sunk to the ground where he stood and had his eyes firmly closed much like Gawain had. The Queen was silently sobbing into her brother's shoulders and it seemed as though she wouldn't be stopping any time soon. Percival reflected on that night, three years ago. That one night had almost destroyed them all, had destroyed Arthur in the end. He silently wondered whether recent events would damage them in that way again. Many of them still carried scars from that night, like a weight on their shoulders that no matter how many people tried, could never be lifted. Even Percival, with all his grand strength, struggled under the weight most days. None more so then Arthur though, the weight he bared was crushing.

* * *

_Merlin,_

_Ok I get it. I get why you're upset. But it isn't just about you and me, you selfish bastard. What about Gwen? What of Gaius, the knights, your friends? You remember them right? You're supposed friends? Come back, we can fix this. I will fix this, but I need your help, alright?_

_- Arthur_

* * *

And here Percival faltered, tears cascading down his cheeks. What of them indeed? The famed round table knights had been brought to their knees and not by some formidable foe, but by their own actions. Leon clutched the giant's legs and gestured for him to hand over the letters. He knew the Giant man hadn't the words to continue reading and for that he was grateful. Leon's voice penetrated the silence as he begun to read, Arthur's own voice ghosting the words,

* * *

_Merlin,_

_I know what I must do, I'll prove to you what our friendship means to me. I'll shout it from the very tops of the highest towers until all of Camelot will hear me! Old Friend, it's been six months, please come back. Please Merlin._

_- Arthur_

* * *

_Merlin,_

_I don't know what else to do. I've tried to make emends, to show the gods themselves, I'm worthy of your friendship. Come back and I'll do anything, I'll repel the ban on magic. You can be my Court Sorcerer. Hell, I'll give you that day off you always wanted._  
_Just come home._

_- Arthur_

* * *

_Merlin,_

_My idiot. You're free. Your kind are no longer persecuted here. I've freed them in your name. Tomorrow I stand before the council and I name you the hero you truly are. But Merlin, it's been over a year. I **need** you to come home. Please, my friend._

_- Arthur_

* * *

_Merlin,_

_A year and three months has gone by since your departure. That night haunts my every wakening moment. What a fool I'd been to react the way I had. I know now that you're a good man, with a noble heart. Known it all along in fact. You must understand, those harsh words were nothing more than venom spewed from the mouth of a young and naive man. My actions that night were tainted with the beliefs and anger of a wounded man. Merlin, my friend, I never meant it._

_- Arthur._

* * *

Leon's voice broke over his liege's name, his throat too constricted to speak further. He remembered in vivid detail the night his king referred to. Could recall the exact shade of red his lieges face had turned as he'd screamed at his manservant and longtime friend. Remembered the unnatural pale shade that same manservant had turned. Just like his king, images from that night haunted him.  
His hands shook violently as he silently passed on the letters to Elyan's waiting hands. Not an eye in the room was dry, and yet none of them moved to leave. They needed to understand, to hear. They needed this even if it very well might be the final straw to break the horses back.

* * *

_Merlin,_

_It's been two years since that dreaded night and I fear my mind begins to leave me. I see it on the faces of everyone around me that they fear it too. For a while my beloved Guinevere was enough to anchor me to this realm but without you, my brother, I am but drifting through a haze. When I close my eyes I see your face that night when I broke you. When I open my eyes I realize it wasn't a dream and I curse myself to very depths of hell for it. My life's become an exquisite type of torture. Nothing less than I deserve for what I did._  
_But I know if you were to return that I could reclaim my former glory. Without you, I am nothing. I beg of you, return to me._

_- Arthur_

* * *

_Merlin,_

_Two years, six months and five days have passed since you were last in Camelot. But I swear today I saw you. Perhaps it is the pitiful delusions of a broken man that made me see you today in the crowd as we paid our final respects at the passing of Gaius. I was sure that this would be enough to draw you back and I'm still not unconvinced it did not. I wish you'd have stayed long enough for me to speak to you once more._  
_Gwen says I must move on, she is not the only one. The people of Camelot demand that I lead them again but they do not understand that the day you left, that piece of me left went with you. Gods I miss you my friend._

_- Arthur._

* * *

Elyan choked on the words, until his sobbing prevented him from moving to the next letter. His brother in-laws grief was cutting like no blade ever could be. Elyan had tried to keep his head high, forever running from the demons that chased him since the night. But in this musty old room they finally sunk their claws into him and claimed him as their own. Surprisingly it was Gwen who took the final two letters from Elyan's hands and begun to read it aloud.

* * *

_Merlin,_

_Two years and nine months since that unspeakable night. I know I am not much longer for this world, old friend. Even now my body grows weaker. I shall be reunited with you at long last._

_- Your brother, Arthur_.

* * *

Gwen's breath was stolen from her as she open the next letter. For this one was not in her husband's recognizable scrawl but in one that Gwen hadn't seen in such a long time, yet would never forget. The final letter was addressed to Arthur, not from him, and this time at the bottom of the page scrawled messily was Merlin's signature. Gwen stood and moved so she could face all the knights, taking a steadying breathe she begun to read.

* * *

_Arthur,_

_My Prat, I forgive you. I forgave all of you long ago, do you understand? I've found peace here in Avalon. I've been watching over you all since that night and believe me when I say nothing hurt me more than watching you all try to shoulder blame that none of you should of held. I fear you are right Arthur, we will meet again soon. Far too soon for my liking you clot-pole. But even if it is selfish of me, I can't wait to see you once more._

_If you're worried, don't be. You won't believe the fun there is to have around here. So many people are simply queuing up to see your royal prattness once you get here. You're mother has kept me entertained with stories of your youth for many a boring night, you were such an ass even back then! But Arthur, do not hurry toward us. Enjoy your last moments of life, we have eternity to while away together, brother._

_You must do my one more favor though, I need you to place this letter, along with the others you wrote me, under the pillow in my old chambers. Trust me on this. It will bring closure to those we both hold dear eventually._

_I'll meet you at the gates of Avalon soon my king._

_- Forever your friend and brother, Merlin_  
_(That goes for the rest of you lot too!)_

* * *

Silence fell heavily on the room after the last word was spoken. Gwen let the letter slowly float toward the floor as she simply let go. It was a refreshing action, letting go of the blame she'd held since that night.

"Is it- I mean do you- Do you think it's truly from him?" Gawain asked after a while. The others shared looks with one another all wondering the same no doubt.

"I have no doubt in my heart that this letter truly was from Merlin." Gwen said, clearly and proudly. His name felt odd on her tongue, she hadn't spoken it in so many years. The knights all looked to her as though they were children needing comfort.  
"We all have been so busy trying to forget that night that we've forgotten him. Shame on us. Shame on us all for forgetting there was so much more to Merlin than that. If we do not remember, remember him for who he was, we will all perish the same as Arthur did." The Queen announced. Proud that her voice only wavered slightly over her late husband's name. The knights all looked remorseful and grieved as they realized how much truth rang in her words. Leon slowly got to his feet, straightening, with his shoulders back for the first time in three years.

"I purpose we all retire to the Queen's chamber and we mourn the loss of our friends." Leon announced, to the approval of the Queen. Both Elyan and Percival got their feet underneath them as they nodded their own approval.

"No." Gawain said simply from his place on the floor.

"Gawain what-?" Elyan began only to be cut off by the drunkard knight.

"I said no. We aren't going to mourn the loss of two friends" Gawain stated as he got to his feet. He moved to Elyan and clasped him tightly on the shoulder. "We're going to go to the Queens chambers, and we're going to celebrate." Gawain told them all with a small smile on his face.

"Celebrate? Gawain-" Leon began disapprovingly. He stopped when he noticed the warm smiles on both his Queens and Percival's face.

"We're going to go and celebrate the lives of two amazing men, we're going to celebrate the fact we got the honor of not only knowing them but of befriending them. And we're going to remember them, not by their deaths but by their lives." Gawain told them all his tone sounding happier than it had in such a very long time. Leon smiled and nodded his head approvingly, even as Elyan grasped Gawain's arm and gave him a tight squeeze.  
As the knights and the Queen all filed out of the dusty room the faint sound of two men's laughter could be heard. The laughter of two men finally reunited at long last. The happy sounds of the Once and Future King and his Warlock.


End file.
